My voice
by NerdyJD
Summary: The voice inside my head is getting louder. I just want it to stop. WARNING: implied self harm and language. Self Harm, me venting, suicide
1. Shower time

_**A/N; hey.**_

 **Hello, did you miss me?**

Hi.

 **How was your day?**

It's was fine.

 **How are you?**

I'm fine.

 **Did you miss me?**

No.

 **You didn't?**

No.

 **Then would you like me to leave?**

Yes!

 **Really? Then you'll be all alone.**

...

 **I ask again, do you want me to leave?**

... No.

 **Great. So who annoyed you today?**

No one.

 **This is getting so. Fucking annoying. Why won't you answer the damn question properly?**

Sorry.

 **Don't fucking apologise for your fucking incompetence.**

...

 **Well shit. Now you wanna keep quiet.**

Are you trying to hurt me?

 **I can always make you hurt yourself.**

H-hurt myself? N-no! I'm not going to do that. Ever.

 **That's what they all say.**

Please don't make me do it.

 **Your shower's almost over.**

Don't go away!

 **I have to.**

No, please don't, I don't want to be alone again.

 **Who would want to stay in your shitty company?**

Nobody! Nobody would want to stay with me! I'm a worthless worm that can succeed at nothing. All I am is a sad red ninja that can't even get my sister to care about him. I-I... You're the only one that'll listen. Please don't leave.

"Kai how long are you still going to be in the shower?!"

 **I guess our time has ended.**

P-please, I-I can't, I can't...

 **Tell me a story.**

W-which one?

 **My favourite one.**

Ok. Umm.

He paints a pretty picture

B-but the story has a twist

His paintbrush is a razor

And his canvas is his w-wrist.

He paints a pretty picture in a colour that's blood red

While using his sharp paintbrush he ends up finally dead.

The pretty picture's fading

Quiet slowly on his arm

The bloods not racing through him

He can no longer do harm...

He painted a pretty picture

B-but the story had a twist.

His mind was his razor

And his heart was... was his wrist.

 **That was nice.**

Bye...

 _ **A/N; this what happens when I ignore trigger warnings. The story/poem I got from another fanfic called Suicide by**_ Revlis Charm _ **.**_


	2. Interruptions

**Hi**.

Go away.

 **Well fuck you too.**

I'm busy with a test.

 **You're going to fail.**

Wow. Thanks for the encouragement.

 **It's what I'm here for.**

Shut it, I really need to concentrate.

 **Oh drama? Well you** _ **were**_ **always good at faking it.**

Why are you even here in my head now?

 **I can pop in whenever I want to.**

Well can you please pop out?

 **Mmm, let me think about that. No.**

I hate you.

 **So you hate yourself?**

Stop it, I need to focus here.

 **Who cares, you're still gonna fail anyway. No point in trying.**

I don't want to fail.

 **Who does? But you don't have a choice, you just do it naturally.**

Get the fuck out of my head. And get the fuck out of my life.

 **Ohh, little red ninja's got balls after all.**

Fuck you.

 **Haha, I'm sure you think your funny.**

Hilarious actually.

 **Your actually fighting back, I might even end up leaving.**

Good.

 **But lets crush that last bit of hope before it grows.**

I want to be alone!

 **Maybe that's why you have no friends.**

I have friends.

 **Yeah right, a friend that's so much better than you in everything.**

If he's good in something then I'm happy for him.

 **No you're not. You're jealous.**

What do I have to be jealous about? He's my friend.

 **How long will that last? I mean at least he can talk to people, all you do is smile and wave.**

Shut up.

 **Your like the fucking penguins of Madagascar.**

On my God, please just go away.

"You have 20 minutes left."

Shit! And I'm still at question one.

 **Haha, nice talking to you loser.**

I hate you. I hate you so much.

 ** _A/N; I wrote my drama test today :)_**


	3. Shower again

**Kai.**

...

 **Come on, talk to me.**

Like that even matters to you.

 **It doesn't but that doesn't mean that I can't at least try to comfort you.**

This sucks.

 **What sucks?**

Feeling like... 'this'. I need to go to the counsellor.

 **But your not going to.**

I know. But it helps thinking about it.

 **Look in the mirror and what do you see?**

I see me.

 **Yep. Sad little you who's so scared of the world and what he's becoming.**

I'm not becoming anything.

 **What, you think this is just some teenage hormones acting up?**

Yes.

 **Oh please, you have a voice inside your head.**

An annoying voice.

 **And here I thought I'd try to help.**

All you do is make me hurt myself.

 **I haven't done that.**

Mentally. You make me hurt myself mentally.

 **At least people on the outside won't see it.**

But that just makes it worse.

 **Do you want them to see it.**

Yes... well, no but sometimes it's hard.

 **How can it be hard, you've gone through most of your life faking a smile and** _ **now**_ **you wanna say it's hard**.

Before, it was different. I didn't have a voice that drags me down inside my head. I didn't have as much stress from projects and tests-

 **Haha, that rhymes.**

Forget it.

 **Your showers running a bit long don't you think.**

Who cares.

 **You still need to fix your face so it doesn't look like you were crying.**

Why can't I let them see?

 **Because, if you do then they'll all know. 'that's stupid' 'what's wrong with you? ' 'you know you can tell me anything.'**

It's better than talking to a made up voice.

 **Is it?**

Argh. My eyes are red, how am I gonna hide that?

 **Wash your face with cold water and if they ask, which I doubt they will, then say you got soap in your eyes.**

Both of them.

 **Yep, you're pretty terrible in washing yourself.**

Ok, now what.

 **Your face looks horrible. Smile.**

...

 **No, it looks fake. Try again, smile with your eyes.**

...

 **That's better. Now try speaking.**

"Hey, how you doin'"

 **No. Your voice cracked, try it again and act like your happy.**

"Hey, how you doin'"

 **It's better.**

Okay, now what?

 **When you walk out then walk with your head down. But not too low or they'll suspect something but low enough that you can hide your face.**

Okay. I'll try.

 **Wait, you didn't tell me a story yet.**

Oh, umm, which one.

 **Remember the one that you read ages ago, the one with the boy.**

Yeah...

 **That one.**

Ok.

 **But say it out loud.**

"Oh, little Suicide boy.

Suicide boy, did they even know your name?

Suicide boy, they act like you put a bullet through your head for fame.

Suicide boy, the ones who you thought never noticed you are now wearing all black.

Suicide boy, you've done something you can't take back.

Suicide boy, the doctors did all they could.

Suicide boy, your room is being boarded off with wood.

Suicide boy, I wish I could have saved you.

Suicide boy, could I even if I'd wanted to?

Suicide boy, your name is all over the news.

Suicide boy, you're now the broken boy with a permanent blues.

Suicide boy, you're floating through my dreams.

Suicide boy, no one could hear your screams.

Suicide boy, everyone is starting to move on.

Suicide boy, I'll never be the same now that you're gone.

Suicide boy, you'll never get to grow old.

Suicide boy, you could never fit their mould.

Suicide boy, they're saying you were a lost cause from a start.

Suicide boy, how could a broken home ever heal a broken heart?

Suicide boy, your ending is bittersweet and you're just a statistic now.

Suicide boy, the curtains are closing and you're not here to take a bow."

 **You know you can always cut your leg's instead...**

Go to sleep!


	4. Your back Hooray

_Hi people of , how you doing._ **Hello.**

 **Hi.**

Where we're you! You were gone for like, forever!

 **It was only two days.**

Why?!

 **You said you were getting better.**

But I missed you.

 **Okay.**

I don't want you to leave again.

 **I thought you hated me.**

I do, but... it's complicated.

 **Will you admit it yet?**

Admit what.

 **Jesus, you act like you don't know what I'm talking about when I'm in your fucking head.**

Sorry. I'm still not going to admit it.

 **But you know it's true.**

Whatever. Change the subject.

 **To what douche face?**

I had a bad day.

 _ ***Oh what a surprise***_

Yeah. Do you think they purposely ignore me?

 **Of cause they do.**

Why?

 **Why do you think? You are** _ **nothing.**_

But I really want to fit in.

 **Ha! That's almost funny if not sad.**

Do you think they'll ever talk to me?

 **Why would they talk to you? Geez you the saddest excuse for a person I've ever seen.**

You made me like this.

 **Oh no, don't shift the blame now. I was always here, you did this to yourself. I'm just feeling the fire to keep warm.**

I'm rethinking why I wanted you back.

 **Who's going to listen when I'm gone? Who's going to believe you when you say that you got over the obstacle? Who's going to talk to you when everyone else ignores you?**

You...

 **Exactly.**

And you still left me.

 **Do I need to fucking remind you about everything? "Get out of my head, I don't want you here."**

What else was I supposed to say? I _want_ a voice inside my head that hurt me? No!

 **Then why the fuck do you keep begging me to come back.**

You _are_ me.

 **God, I wish I wasn't.**

You're... you're... I don't even have the words!

 **Maybe because your brain dead?**

Shut up.

 **Okay.**

No, wait!

 **...**

Come back.

 **...**

Please come back.

 **...**

See Kai, this is what happens when you talk. No wonder everyone finds you annoying.

 **...**

Please?

 **...**

Hello?

 **...**

You fucking piece of shit! You come into my head whenever it suits _you_ and then you just want to leave when I need you most.

 **...**

Why am I not already used to this?

 **...**

Bye.

 **...**

Bye.

 **Hey, who's up for a chat? I haven't really done a lot of a/n on here but today I thought I would. Guess what I just started working on, I wonder if anyone's actually going to guess. But whatever, I love the reviews on here, it makes me smile every time.**

 **Don't forget about that chat : ) and KaiRocksRainbows, (I wonder if I spent that right) please get an account!**


	5. Hear me out

_A/N_ _ **Hey people**_

 **Hello**

Well hi to you too, do you know how what I'm feeling right now?!

 **Uh, no?**

I am _empty,_ why? Because my stupid voice disappeared on me.

 **Hey, it wasn't my fault.**

You sure about that?

 **Yes.**

Fine.

 **So I see you've been talking to someone...**

Yeah, what else was I supposed to do.

 **Keep quiet? Talk you me?**

You weren't here remember, and besides, they say you're... Not normal to have. I shouldn't be having a voice inside my head.

 **You're not normal?**

Yeah.

 **But I** _ **am**_ **normal. I'm not doing anything wrong am I?**

Technically, you are...

 **I talk. That's all I do.**

You're right.

 **So your not normal, and what else?**

She's worried for me, she says that if you tell me to hurt myself or anyone else then she's going to call Sensei in.

 **Then I assume you never told her about your cuts.**

Are you crazy? Of cause not, why would I tell her that? Sensei is going to be so mad when he finds out.

 _ **If**_ **he finds out.**

What do you mean?

 **Remember what I said? They can't see it if its on your leg.**

They can't see if I hide it.

 **Exactly.**

They said I shouldn't listen to you anymore.

 **Why?**

You're bad for me.

 **When have I ever been bad to you?**

The cutting, the sadness, the anger, the faking...

 **You know, if you're just going to keep complaining about me every time I come back to you then I might as well stay away forever.**

That would be better, right?

 **But I'm not going until you give me what I want.**

But I already cut for you?

 **See, you took my advice and don't you feel better?**

Well, yeah but still. Its bad?

 **No its not.**

Its not?

 **No. They just tell you that because its not what they do. You heard the lady, you're not normal.**

Never mind. What do you want.

 **You know, all you have to do is take it a step further.**

No!

 **Oh please, like you have a choice. It only took me a week to convince you the first time, and without that chatty lady for the holidays, what's stopping me?**

You... You can't...

 **But its what I want.**

Its not what _I_ want.

 **Did it ever matter what you want?**

Yes it did! Its _my_ body and _my_ life. I have so much people that love me, I can't hurt them like that.

 **Don't act like you can't hear them speak about you. You're not as smart as Zane. Not as brave as Cole. Not as likeable as Jay. And admit it, you all live in Lloyd's shadow. People hate you anyway, why not make them happy and be ride of yourself?**

...

 **You'll never have to listen to my insults again.**

...

 **You'll never have to cry at night in the shower again.**

...

 **You'll never be alone, you can join your mom and dad.**

Really?

 **Of cause.**

But I'm scared.

 **Don't be, I'll be here with you all the way.**

Promise?

 **I promise...**

A/N _ **Well I guess that voice can get pretty loud. And it can be pretty persuasive. But its bad for you, right?**_

 _ **Now we just have to want and see how the story ends...**_

 _Don't you think its kind of sad_

 _How we keep ourselves alive,_

 _For our friends and family,_

 _When they're one of the reasons,_

 _Why we don't want to be alive in the first place._

 _ **I think that's sad**_

 __from a (not so) random picture


	6. Realization

Thinking about it now made me realise that this whole time, I've been blaming my terrible thoughts and ideas on a little voice in my head. When actually, its been me the entire time, I'm the one who wants to do all these things to myself, I'm the one who plants the horrid ideas in my head, I'm the one who's constantly finding every opportunity to put myself down. But believing in the false lie was so much easier and safer than learning the truth and then deciding what to do with this new information.

So what do I do now?

Do I just keep fighting a ghost that I made myself believe in, because I'm pretty sure I hate it now already. Or do I just let go and let my mind guide me, I'll stop postponing the inevitable and give up. I'm already so tired and I feel overworked.

But who notices right? Nobody. Nobody noticed how I'm always on the brink of tears. Nobody stays when I say that I'm okay. Nobody takes a second glance when I smile and my behind my eyes I'm clearly breaking. And when I look in the mirror I can see it, so why can't they?

I know it's getting worse but living in denial is so much easier than explaining it to someone who you will always believe is constantly judging you, it may not be there but you can see it in their eyes and the way they talk.

It's not fun, and every day is a challenge to hide it because who wants to be a burden? If they wanted to help then they would have done it already so clearly you're already on your own. But that's okay because you're already used to it by now. The thoughts keep you company. The only downside is that, the longer you listen to them, the more persuasive they become. Their words have more meaning and more truth and suddenly everything you've ever known becomes a lie. You start seeing people in a different light, you start noticing the small things of how you'll tell them you feel terrible and they'll change the subject to something more comfortable. Or how they'll move away from you to other friends because you never smile or laugh anymore.

And then you notice that people don't want to talk to you and your smile means nothing to them, they don't know how much effort it took just for you to get it to look like this. They don't know the struggle and pain it is every day to ignore the quiet moments that scream for you to just end it all. They don't see the scars. Or the tears. And they certainly don't hear the tormenting thoughts.

I don't know if I can feel anymore, everything is numb and the only time I'm ever really happy now is when I can see that pretty little dotted line on my skin. It doesn't last long but at least it's there, at least I know that I'm still here even when others don't see it.

Fighting my heartache is so hard but what's even worse is that my mind plays tricks on me. I'll wake up and be as happy as ever, _finally this terrible feelings are gone, I can smile and laugh again and, this time, mean it._ Then tonight when you're alone, that sick feeling creeps up on you, you're exhausted and you have no idea why. Then the first tear falls and you can't understand, you were so happy a moment ago, what changed? Then the thoughts come back stronger and the fight starts again. It just teaches you that you should never lower your guard, you never know when the enemy is coming back.

But when the enemy's yourself,

How do you fight back?

At night when I practice my smile and laugh in the mirror to make it look real, I feel sorry for the girl that's staring back at me. I see it in her eyes, how she's hurting and desperately praying for someone to hold her. But then I brush it off.

My dreams were replaced by nightmares long ago.


	7. One more cut

**It has come to my attention that I broke FF's rules in my last chapter because it had nothing to do with Ninjago. Which is why I plan to make up for it by doing this chapter. I hope you weren't expecting a happy ending. And don't worry, it's not the last chapter.**

 **Do it again**

...

 **Again**

...

 **One more time**

I thought that three was my limit.

 **It was. Then it was five. And now it's ten.**

Okay...

 **It's pretty, isn't it?**

Yeah. It is. It just sucks that it burns during training.

 **You're a ninja, stop being such a wimp**

It's not _that_ painful, it's just a bother sometimes.

 **Do you think that I give two shits about how you're feeling?**

No...

 **And do you think that I give a fuck if you're feeling 'bothered'?**

No...

 **So please explain to me Kai as to why the fuck you're filling your empty mind with this shit.**

Geez, calm down. It's just a comment

 **What are you doing? Don't clean it up**

Why not, I don't exactly want my team to see

 **But... play with it first**

What?

 **Play with the blood first**

Okay... it stings

 **But you've gotta admit, it's the best feeling you've had in a while.**

It's one of the only feelings I've had in a while...

 **I'm glad you like it.**

I always do

 **Why don't we make it a full ten, just think of how pretty they're all going to look, some will be long and others can be short, it's all up to you little red ninja.**

Okay...

 **...**

There. I'm done.

 **Now be a good boy an cut your wrists**

But they're goi-

 **Cut your wrists, it feels even better**

But-

 **They won't see it, it's winter now.**

Okay...

 **Now doesn't that just feel so good?**

Yeah... it does

 **Now make them nice and neat this time, not like your leg that's all fucked up**

Don't worry

 **Yeah, don't only cut across, cut down too**

But isn't that dangerous?

 **Trust me**

I don't know if I can

 **Of cause you can, I know you best**

Like... this?

 **Yeah. Just like that.**

...

 **...**

I don't... feel so well

 **It's just because of all the blood, you'll get used to it**

I don't... I don't think that this is... safe.

 **It's all okay Kai, I'm here**

No, I need... I need to get to... Sensei

 **He can't help you. No one can**

No... I need... help

 **I'm your help. I've been helping you since the day I started talking. And wasn't this just such a fun journey?**

I'm tired

 **Shhh, it's okay to go to sleep**

Wha' about Nya... And the team... And Sen- Sensei

 **They won't miss you, so it's fine. They don't care**

...

 **Night night, little ninja.**

A/N **ohhh, that beautiful little voice sounds like silk when you're alone and boy can it whisper. All those brilliant ideas have to come from somewhere. And to a huge thank you to Windy for the reviews. Now, I need to write about a certain piece of shit about how much of a fucking asshole he's been. *cough*CF*cough***

 **It's 10:16 PM in SA now and I'm lying in bed as I think about what other patterns I can do on my skin...**


	8. Goodbyes

**So... how are you'll doing?**

Magical into...

Bright, warm and loud. Three words that immediately surfaced as I began regaining consciousness. Voices were hurriedly exchanging worried and concerned words. I felt terrible, my arms hurt and I my brain felt like it wasn't even there anymore. I pried my eyes open to scan across the room I was in, it was the sick bay with its cream and empty walls bearing down on me. The voices didn't seem to notice my awakening and rather continued their inconsiderate conversation as I got my bearings. The room didn't seem that bright though, and after looking out a window I saw that dawn was just peeking up from the horizon. The bright oranges shot upwards as it's rays just barely enveloped the bounty.

I coughed, which drew the attention of the other occupations of the room, all eyes were directed to me as an uncomfortable silence stretched across the room. The first eyes I caught were the creamy chocolate brown of my sister, she looked like she was on the brink of tears and her hands shifted in and out of fists. I pursed my lips together in hopes that someone would speak up and take the first step to resolving the situation. Not that I necessarily wanted to hear their disapproving speeches. But I might as well get it over and done with now.

"Kai..."

Nay was desperately fighting the urge to burst into tears, he eyes were already red and puffy from doing so before.

"Why did you do it?"

That's always the question isn't it? Why? I mean of cause, the suicidal boy _has_ to have a reason for doing what he did. And of cause he'll just tell us because we're his family. It can't be that hard right?

I stared Into her eyes and when I made no effort to answer her, she sucked in a sudden breath and let the tears flow freely down her cheeks. I watched her, I didn't exactly feel sorry for her but she was my sister and I don't take joy in seeing her unhappy. Zane walked over to her side and wrapped her in a hug which she gladly accepted before sobbing into his chest. Jay did not agree with this scene at all and fiercely stomped up the my side.

"Look at what you did to her, to us."

What _I_ did? He made a show of sweeping his arm across the room and gestured to all the sad, shocked and disappointed faces.

"Don't you know how horrible we felt when you pulled your stunt?"

"Jay-" Sensei tried to warn but it was quickly brushed off.

"Nya was so heartbroken because her own brother – her only family – couldn't even sit down for five minutes and tell her what's wrong."

So this is my fault now?

 **Wasn't it always? Jay has a point you know.**

"And then you made it even worse by doing all these ridiculous things like cutting yourself, what the hell man? Why didn't you tell anyone?"

Do you really believe that it was that easy? All I could do was sit and watch as Jay vented all his anger, behind his hurt eyes I could seed anger bubbling up. He was angry at me? But I did nothing wrong.

 **Do you seriously believe that lie? Not only did you hurt you self and your family but you showed that you couldn't even trust your own sister with your pain.**

But you're the one that told me to do it!

"Nothing to say." Jay stated and scoffed as he folded his arms across his chest, I felt like a child being scolded by their father. "Typical Kai, you always want to do things yourself, you're too good for anyone's help. And now, look where that's gotten us."

"Jay!"

 **I told you that they didn't care, but now they hate you. That's even worse.**

Jay, this _voice_ is the one hurting me! Hurting everyone!

 **If only they could hear you**

Stop, get out! This time I mean it.

 **Sure you do.**

"Kai, don't you realise that this doesn't only affect you but us as well, just because you want to leave doesn't mean we want you gone."

 **So they're dictating your life now...**

"Do you know how painful it was to find you lying on the floor, bleeding out. It hurt us all."

Is she really saying this?

"Kai we love you, and when you did all this things to your body and tried to kill yourself... we felt like we failed you."

She sobbed but stayed close to Zane in case she felt another uncontrollable sobbing session coming on.

"Well I'm so sorry that _I_ made _you_ feel that way." I eyed her with an unwavering stare that left everyone's eyes wide with surprise. "And I'm so sorry for being such a _selfish_ person. How could I do that to you?! And it was so simple to just talk about my problems right? _So easy_ just to lay out all my dark and dirty secrets." My voice was raised and my eyes were narrowed into slits.

I wish I could have felt _something_ when I said those things. But I didn't. I didn't _feel_ anything.

 **Why are you doing this? They don't care, why would they now if they didn't before.**

I felt like I was being eaten from the inside out, I'm nothing.

 **You're nothing.**

I should have cried. I should have screamed. I should have raged like there was no tomorrow, because there wasn't. There's only so long that you can take the loneliness, only so long I that you can hold the facade and only so long that you can believe in the lie that your not useless. I've exhausted myself in a cruel cycle over and over again, hurting myself because I wanted to feel real. Faking every smile to make sure that others around me didn't have to deal with my depression.

My hand heated up with a burning passion that I hadn't felt in so long, it felt amazing. And the relief that came with it was even better. I reached up to the thin, soft skin of my neck where my grip was strong and solid. It only took a second for everyone to rush to me but a second was all I needed.

My molten flames easily burnt through the soft tissue, it hurt of cause, but I was okay with that.

 **You did it**

For once I could actually see the evil, bright smile of his dark face. He stood over me in victory as he watched my family hurry over to me.

 **How are you feeling?**

Perfect

He smirked again as he lowered his head in a menacing way, his shadows slowly began disappearing into smoky swirls that were blown away with the morning wind

Bye...

That's the end

Have you ever been so _**afraid**_ to let people in because you don't want them to hurt you or you don't want to disappoint then because your not good enough. But when you do let those _few_ people into your life, you treat then like there the world to you, because you want them to treat you the same. And you know your going to be crushed that they won't do it but you try anyway because you have that tiny bit of hope that they will.

But enough about me being sad, you guys should know that I'm trying _really_ hard to put myself back together, and great internet friends helps a lot. Internet friends and  chocolate.

 **Thank you KRR for being there, and reviewing and for praying for me. You have no idea how many times I was so far down and just seeing that in my email made me smile.**

 **Thank you Windy for reviewing on almost all my chapter and for sharing your feelings and your story**

 **Ninjagymnastgirl for your reviews that really made me smile**

 **ColeForever for being supportive, even when I lashed out you which I'm still very sorry for**

 **Lila Kay for that one review that still made a difference**

 **And last but definitely not least,** **ArtemisGriffin for making me laugh today and basically making this one of the best days I've had I a long time (History rocks)**


	9. My Thoughts

My Voice 8

 **This is an update on a fanfic that was supposed to be over.**

 **Hi people of fanfic dot net, I hope you're all doing well. If you'd like then please read the mini fic below, thanks**

 _And so it continues..._

Dear Diary

Kai's dead. He committed suicide. We couldn't help him. It's unfortunate. Sensei has gone into mourning, Zane is... adjusting in his own way. Jay is almost switched off, I can't tell with him anymore. The team's a total disaster and it's only been a few hours. I can't sleep. But even though Kai's death is bothering me, I can't stop thinking about how long this has been going on. When everyone cleared out of the room, I stayed behind and rolled up his sleeves. There were a few cuts but not many, then I looked at his legs. They were covered in red dried up blood and some wounds were still bleeding, others that were healing looked badly taken care of. I stood in silence for a few minutes, I have no idea what I was thinking, it was just nothing.

Mine looks similar to his, only mine's a bit better taken care of. I should have spoken to him but I guess that I was too blinded by my own demons covering my eyes. I'm feeling a lot worse after that.

But the good news is that I've been clean for a total of two hours, so that's good. I think I'll have to start hiding my scars more, I'd hate for the team to find out, they're under enough stress already. Especially Sensei, I'd rather want him to have a peaceful last few year's alive. Diary, do you want more good news? Because of Kai's failed suicide attempt, I didn't have a chance to act out mine. That's partially good right? Never mind, you can't talk back anyway.

What's funny is that I'm so used to smiling that I can't get it off, not even when I cry.

Good night Diary.

 **A/N: while I was typing this out then I thought, why not make another one with a different ninja? It will be called; My Thoughts.**

 **Stop reading now if you're not interested in me (the author). Guys I appreciate you wanting to help but I don't think I want to personally talk to anyone anymore, it's kinda hard when I'm afraid to do so and I've got severe abandonment issues, besides, I'm terrible at conversations so you won't be missing anything. I think that this entire time since I've been feeling 'odd' I've only been getting worse. So, I am still deciding what to do right now but what you need to know is that if I don't update anything, at the very latest, in the first week of April then something is wrong. But don't worry yourselves with that because it's not your problem. :)**

 **Enjoy what's left of Easter! Hopefully I'll see you soon, but if not then I love you all!**


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